| you want love? you got it... |
[Saturday
02/04/06 - 11:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lethargic |
] |
I’ve never really “gotten”
The whole “love” thing
And I’m not quite sure
I know how it works
And you ask me if I
Love myself.
I wonder what that means
Do I feel something
For myself?
Is the obliterating
Mind-numbing pill
Supposed to make me
Wake up and look in
The mirror and
Want to fornicate
With my suddenly
Oh so sexy self?
Is that your concept
Of self esteem?
I’m supposed to “love”
Myself…so, would you
Have me stop in the
Middle of the night
Under a street lamp
In the park and
Make out with myself?
(it is possible, shall
I demonstrate for you?)
I’m supposed to admire
Myself, so maybe I will
Send myself love notes
From a secret admirer
In the mail and buy myself
Endless abundances of
Chocolates and flowers
(sent to the office, of course)
and maybe then, when
everyone else thinks
I’m loved, then I will
Learn to love myself
But you want me to
Do it with no aid,
Just some half baked
Modern marvel that
Would be better crushed
And snorted…by the
Crack head down the street
Because I’m sure I could
Pawn it off as an eight
(once properly crushed
and cut, of course)
and that would give me
enough money to show
myself the newfound love
I have suddenly inherited
For myself by treating
My pounding heart
To dinner.
|
|
| stuff.. |
[Sunday
01/22/06 - 8:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 amused |
] |
ew, would you believe that there was this guy that came into work today....this real big fat fucker...and his dick was hangin out of his pants!! seriously...the thing was just THERE almost on my fucking counter!!! EEEWW!! lol...people continually amaze and amuse me...
anyway, nothin else to really write...so, ya...will just paste my most recent piece of crap...
strangeness is
watching
your family
struggle
and doing
nothing
to stop
it;
feeling
helpless
and left behind
in this world
guess
we're all
strange and
that's why
we hang out
in the darc;
i know i'm
abnormal
but abnormal
is as abnormal
does;
what is normal
anyway?
a psychiatric
concocted
blend of words
to say
i'm.better.than.you.
(and they
think that
they mean it;
they think that
their white coats
make them
superior)
me and my
kitties will
prove them
wrong
because cats
make great
companions
no matter what
doctor whatthefuck
leads us to believe
and people
well people
just fu**ing suck
but i love
them all
with their
broken hearts
and medical
disorders.
imperfect,
each and
every one of
them.
imperfection
is perfection
to me.
once the tears
they fell like rain
and now somehow
they are inside
havent come out
in ages
but the pain
builds up even
more inside
my chest
at times
and it makes
me want to
implode upon
myself
to the point
where my eyes
hurt
and turn inwards
looking
for my soul
(sorry, eyes
the soul has
left the building
along with elvis
and kurt)
stick pins
in them to
make them
bleed
wanting to
show something
other than
gratitude
(friendship
might be a start
might rekindle
the fires that
have long
since been
doused by
the rapture
of all their
souls)
but, alas,
i'm just a
silly girl
and what do
i know.
go on, life
go on, world.
|
|
| cool... |
[Sunday
01/22/06 - 10:45am] |
|
got ahold of a pearl in the shell still...how do you extract them?? very cool...
|
|
| dunno |
[Thursday
01/19/06 - 11:53am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
havent written in this in a while...finally a day off, so what the fuck...only thing is, i can't think of anything to write...ever just feel like writing but not know what to write? i've been like that since yesterday...was more inspired yesterday, though...this is what came out then....
once the tears
they fell like rain
and now somehow
they are inside
havent come out
in ages
but the pain
builds up even
more inside
my chest
at times
and it makes
me want to
implode upon
myself
to the point
where my eyes
hurt
and turn inwards
looking
for my soul
(sorry, eyes
the soul has
left the building
along with elvis
and kurt)
stick pins
in them to
make them
bleed
wanting to
show something
other than
gratitude
(friendship
might be a start
might rekindle
the fires that
have long
since been
doused by
the rapture
of all their
souls)
but, alas,
i'm just a
silly girl
and what do
i know.
go on, life
go on, world.
ok, not the greatest, but better than nothing...
|
|
| weird ass people |
[Sunday
01/01/06 - 10:28am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused as all hell |
] |
okay, so theres this dumb bitch named elaina who keeps leavin weird ass
comments on my livejournal coz shes a weird ass internet stalker...but,
they are screened coz shes not special enough...and they are all about
how ___I___ should get a life (well, mostly) sound twisted yet?
so,
just to appease her, here they are because, as offensive as they try to
be, they are just funny as hell!! enjoy your laugh!!
in reply to....
my post bout john bringing lube to the table...
there once was a shit head names erin who bounced checks and ran of
with a boy who has a chick in another state and loves to take other
women out on dates to leave u sitting home on your ass complaining how
you hate the world cause you blew your friends off for a WORTHLESS
PEOPLE have happy new year!!!!!!!!
dumb bitch...............sitting around on her fat ass
your boyfriend is fucking the girl next door
if you dont know anything about it how did i did i get ur
screenname???????????????????????
shut the fuck up and back the fuck up and take the shit outside!!!!!!!
cause your shit just stinks!!!!!!!!
and then, a multitude of posts just copying and pasting what i had
already written...sounds like somebody needs a life...too bad i'm too
fucken amused to be pissed off...still, u'd think for someone who talks so much shit about worthless friends, that maybe her's would invite her somewhere for new years eve and she'd have something better to do than slam on other people's lives....grow up, fucken bitch..
feebleminded asinine pretentious mongrel
((oops, guess i forgot who i was talking about...sorry i didn't put
that into one-syllable words for you...))
|
|
| update |
[Friday
12/30/05 - 6:19pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
updated my website finally...
www.ethereal-reflections.tk
|
|
| dunno |
[Friday
12/30/05 - 4:26pm] |
not sayin this is me today, just diggin through some old shit..this one kinda scared me but at the same time i really love it...all i can say is...
PRAISE PROZAC!! heh...
Shut the Fuck Up
..breathe..
the voices are scaring me again
making me do things that are wrong
they're screaming at me now
they won't shut up.
where are you?
why aren't you comforting me?
why aren't you stopping the tears?
..inhale..
they're comforting me now
telling me it's okay, that i'll be alright
soothing the tears away
such a low and calming voice
now you want to be involved.
now you ask me whats wrong.
nothing, anymore.
..exhale..
and they SCREAM at me
and this ghastly face is in my thoughts
open mouthed, greenish, bad breath
screaming, squealing...
o dear fucking god, make it stop
i need your arms, i'm so scared
so frightened, it's gonna hurt me
it's gonna make me do bad things
where the fuck are you?
..close your eyes..
i can't, i'm haunted
i fear myself, i fear my dreams
i fear the day, i fear the dark
just lock me the fuck up already
while you still have the chance
don't pretend you can't
don't hide behind your "love"
i'm not buying your bullshit;
your empty promises anymore
save me from myself.
..tell me what you feel..
keep all sharp objects away
i am scaring myself so much today
god, someone please hold me down
someone please wipe my tears
help me breathe, i can't do it myself
pump my blood, it all wants to rush out
contain my tears; i'm dehydrated.
self-reliant if you count killing myself
without relying on someone else.
no one to rely on to save me,
no one to rely on to end me.
..it will be okay..
fuck you and your white fucking coat
and your pretty wooden chair
and this stark white mother fucking room.
don't tell me i'll be okay, you are the sane one
you have always been on the other side.
fuck you and your drugs, your modern marvels
and the vacant lots in your brain...
and you try to pretend you know me
when there are so many voices in me
that i'm pretty sure i don't even know me.
..breathe..
where are you when i need you the most?
i'm wiping away my own tears,
fighting off the monsters without you
yelling at the deamons by myself
and they tell me i'm getting better
and then they up the fucling prozac
where the fuck are you, baby
i need you....save me, save me from me
save me from me...and the other twenty
me's that are in here.
..inhale..
i'm out to get myself today and i'm scared
and i know that i need you, i need help
the comforting voices turn to screams
they're tricky, those bastards...
and it's getting dark, all the lights are on
but i still can't see.
where are you? you need to be with me
because i need you to save me from me.
|
|
| aurrghh!! |
[Friday
12/30/05 - 3:19am] |
wish people wouldn't act so fucken crazy like and accusin me of shit i know nothing about and talk about things they think they know about and don't...and with that said, movin right along..
JOHN NEEDS TO BRING LUBE TO THE TABLE!!
thats all i gotta say...
goodnight!
|
|
| Liberated |
[Thursday
12/29/05 - 10:47am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
calm |
] |
The time of night
Barely dark, the
Kind of light
You only see
At dusk like this
Or in the wee
Moments of dawn
Bringing me to
My knees in
All its glory
And wonder
And beauty
As I embrace me
Who I truly am
Me without you
But in my heart
Me without boundaries
Without life
To care about
Anymore because
Everything that had
Ever resounded in me
Is out in the open
In the eerie grey
Periwinkle color
Of the thin air
No darkness
No light
Perfection
Everyone, everything
So beautiful
Shrouded in the
Not quite moon
Not quite day
Light of the sky
Bouncing off the
Sidewalk
And hitting my eyes
Reaching that place
In the back of my
Mind that has been
Locked away and
Hidden for so long
And suddenly
I feel
Liberated.
|
|
| psycho? |
[Thursday
12/29/05 - 10:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
ugh, some people are just fucken psycho....meh, live and let live and they'll get theirs...
xmas was alright...twas a very purple xmas...got clothes...clothes...and more clothes...and....DUN DUN DUN DUUUHHH....cranium!! yay!! lol...between me, my mom and my brother, we got matt a poker table, shooter set, beer glasses, shot glasses, shot dispenser and chips and cards....pretty fun christening all of that!! heh...except that i got my ass beat a thousand times at poker...everytime i thought i had something good, larry or john cleaned up...makes me wanna cry...erm, ya, or something...lmao!!
anyway...just thought i'd update coz it's been a while...
and crazy people crack me the fuck up..
|
|
| dunno |
[Thursday
12/22/05 - 5:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
apathetic |
] |
still kinda numb dunno when thats gonna go away and when reality is gonna set in...guess its just a problem i've always had where the only two emotions are elated and bitch...weird, how it all works out...still tryin to explain shit to matt bout courts and lawyers and whatnot...thats o so much fun ((sense the scarcasm)) get to see my mommy on saturday...cant wait..i miss my mommy! and christmas presents...lol!!
ya, so i have nothing to say...just killin time till..um, till i dunno...dont got shit to do so just killin it...with a dull spork..
erm, ya..
|
|
| need to be stronger than sorry |
[Saturday
12/17/05 - 4:15pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
the blood is on the floor
another lost life
and the doctor says it's okay
how is it okay?
we killed a child,
an innocent five week old
child.
baby.
ours.
and you try to convince me
it was a mistake.
(but it's my mistake, all mine)
and i'm broken and
so are you.
and so is he.
and this, this is just gone.
done.
dead.
forever.
so am i.
to think that we could do this
and that we could function
with this when we can't even
function by ourselves.
what were we thinking?
obviously someone was thinking.
something.
somewhere.
knew this wasn't right.
but it was.
i needed it.
i wanted it.
i loved it.
and the five week old
boy?
girl?
is gone now.
gone forever.
i can't love it.
but i do.
the doctor says it's nobody's fault
that it happens all the time
so why do i feel responsible?
why didn't i do better?
i fucked up at everything else already
what made me think i'd get this right?
i'll never get anything right
and it cost you your life.
i'm so sorry,
but sorry will never be good enough.
|
|
| kinda stunned |
[Friday
12/16/05 - 1:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
depressed |
] |
each word hits the paper
with painstaking pain
like the tears not fallen
like the blood since lost
and my hand quivers
like your heart beat should have
trembling, shaking inside
but cool and calm out
until my head hits the pillow
shrouded in the darkness of night
but that's the way i've always been
and i was hoping you could
help me change that, somewhat
but i have since abandoned you
in a hospital container marked sterile
and i feel like i should be
punished for my crime, my crimes
against humanity and all that is holy
and i cry out your name
even though i never even really knew what it was
burned some cedar, sweetgrass and sage
and sent your spirit into the winds
never any closure. ever.
and the words can't even fall
because the tears have yet to
see the light of day.
|
|
| hah!! |
[Sunday
12/11/05 - 3:51am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
so tim was on the porch when i got home from hangin out with john and larry. and the second matt walks in, tim goes "hey matt...you know erin is fuckin john???"
roflmmfao!! classic!!
that...and by accident...i called a complete stranger and called them a jerk and hung up on him....by mistake!!
definately a strange day...
|
|
| nada |
[Saturday
12/10/05 - 11:40am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
really got nada to say aside from im B.O.R.E.D. and have nothing better to do than write in my LJ. hah...not that im a big dork or anything...hate this whole bein broke and bored thing...urgh! o well, i'll get over it i spose. actually been attempting to get my book of poetry together to send it to the copyright office and then to LuLu...it's comin ok i guess, just really have no idea what order to put things in....might take longer to do that than it did to write it all!! ((pictures self being ninety years old and still putting it together, only now not on paper or a computer because they're not modern enough)) hah dunno just babbeling...as usual....so sick of this house...as usual...need to get laid but can't because people don't stop coming down the stairs...maybe i'm just a needy bitch...or something...who the fuck knows...like i said...bored...just left out the horny part...lol...but, thats a given like, 24/7...whoever said im not a nymph had some serious issues...anywho...moving right along....to...um....ya, that...you know what i mean...coz i sure as hell don't...guess it's kinda cool in a way though...matt was sposed to work mad OT this week...and they took it from him...so now he has sunday monday and tuesday off...at least he'll get time to just chill and relax...coz if anyone needs it, that boy does lately....hes funny lookin when he sleeps...just lookin at him and he makes the funniest faces...like an ape in heat or some shit...and with that, im off...
to the moon alice, to the moon!!
|
|
| ****blush**** |
[Thursday
12/08/05 - 12:32am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
amused |
] |
<td align="center">You have a sexual IQ of 156
When it comes to sex, you are a super genius. You have had a lot of experience, and sex interests you so you know a lot about it. You pride yourself on being a source of information and guidance to all of your friends.
Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com</td>
|
|
| straight from the department of education... |
[Tuesday
12/06/05 - 5:39pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 frustrated |
] |
The Higher Education Act of 1965, as amended, defines an independent student as one who meets at least one of the following criteria:
* was born before Jan. 1, 1981 for the 2004-05 application year or
was born before Jan. 1, 1982 for the 2005-06 application year;
* will be working on a master's or doctorate program at the beginning of the award year;
* is legally married on the date he or she applies (legally married includes applicants who are separated but not divorced);
* has dependent children who receive more than half of their support from the applicant;
* has legal dependents other than children or a spouse who live with and receive more than half of their support from the applicant;
* both parents are deceased, is a ward of the court, or was a ward of the court until age 18; or
* is a veteran of the U.S. Armed Forces. (Veteran includes any former student of a U.S. service academy who was released under a condition other than dishonorable.)
A student who meets none of the above criteria is considered dependent and therefore must complete all parental questions on the Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA), as well as provide a parent's signature.
um...what happened to the one about living on your own and recieving NO ASSISTANCE from your parents for the last five years????!?!!?!!! guess that doesn't make me independent enough....aurrrghhh!!!
|
|
| @#$$@*#*@!!!! |
[Sunday
12/04/05 - 11:21pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
aggravated |
] |
i seriously cant take this fucken house today!!!! i think...imma shoot someone...seriously....or gouge them with a spoon coz it would hurt worse than a knife or a fork and might accomplish something...y the hell did i ever agree to live here? urgh....!!! i give up...seriously....
k, done bitchin for right now till i get drug into this shit again....
|
|
| ok then |
[Sunday
12/04/05 - 1:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
head stuffed up and floating on clouds like marshmallows float in hot chocolate someone please take it all off from the neck up and make me headless already sensless and burning hot like a hot air balloon floating into the sky blue and yellow and green looking down at the small people and waving thinking they can see me when really im invisible ive always been invisible to you and nothing has ever mattered and it still doesnt matter anymore than water does on a grease fire or dayquil does on my head and the thoughts swirl somewhat caught and getting stuck in deep infected mucus and i think of you one more time and my head hits the fan.
|
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foresaken619's journal
